


I Love You~ I Know

by Clip_Lipstick



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alpha-Omega dynamics, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 21:26:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14222124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clip_Lipstick/pseuds/Clip_Lipstick
Summary: Love to Jeonghan was a foreign concept who only knew violence and suffering as an Omega. And yet Seungcheol saves him. They were never supposed to meet and yet they aim to find happiness together.





	I Love You~ I Know

**Author's Note:**

> This was a random plot-bunny that hit me at one in the night while preparing for an assignment paper so if it feels rushed, do blame it to an overdose of caffeine. I would love to know what you thought of the story. Constructive comments are always welcome. I find Jeonghan and S Coups to be a cute couple and somehow they seemed perfect for this story. Thanks for reading.

The first day I knew I was an Omega was the day I learnt how cruel the world could be. The cold sneers and judgemental stares from the so-called well-wishers who had come to congratulate my parents on the occasion of the revealing of the results, made my blood run cold and there was nothing more that I wanted than to shut myself in my room and never come out. That night, my hysteric screams after a bed-wetting nightmare could be heard in the whole neighbourhood until the tranquilizers which my father kept for emergency reasons for hysteric patients knocked me out for the rest of the night. The last image I remembered was my mother sobbing messily into my father’s embrace before darkness set in. I was six.  
….  
Tranquilizers and suppressants became my new best friends when I was subject to my first sexual abuse at the age of eleven. I still remember the foul smell of the bathroom stall and sweat as the dark figures of my seniors ripped open my shirt and pulled down my pants as my omega instincts forced me to protect my nape from the savage and bloody bites that they tried to force on me. I came around in a white sterilised room of the local hospital with bandaged hands and multiple bruises and a cracked bone in my rib where my assaulters had kicked me to stop my whimpering which had led to me to pass out until a teacher, who was on his rounds, rescued me after hearing loud arguments from the bathroom. Apparently the assaulters could not decide who wanted to go first which the doctors said was extremely lucky for me as my virginity and my nape was still intact. I agreed wholeheartedly.  
….  
They said my pheromones were too strong and I looked like a girl which made them want to mess me up. I return home limping, with a bloody lip and bloodied and broken fingers which makes my mother faint and my father lodge a complaint. The police rounded up the assaulters but their pleads of being innocent as it was the omega’s fault for tempting them with his pheromones and looks are deemed to be legitimate excuses by the officer. After all, it was always the omega’s fault for walking around so guilelessly, tempting the alphas. Therefore you cannot blame the alphas for wanting a taste. It was the instinct of nature and could not be stopped. My bloody lip healed well enough and my fair hands were peppered with small white healed bite marks. I was as pretty as ever a boy could be. I was fifteen.  
….  
The nightmares come in different forms and shapes. Every night I wake up tangled in the sheets, my body sweating and my voice hoarse from shouting for help. Insomnia soon takes over to protect myself from the dark figures with sinister smiles and smelly bodies. The darkness of the room reminds me of dark alleys and I wait in unsuppressed fear of a hand shooting out and stifling my cries for help. The prospect of getting raped everytime I walk down the street wearing my protective collar, leaves me puking out my dinner every night in the toilet. I become a shut-in and intermittent tremors take over as I lose control of even my own body. The day I break a cup full of hot tea and burn myself is when my parents decide that it is serious enough to consult a psychologist. PTSD, she says. I was seventeen.  
….  
The first time I see him on a tv screen during a perfume advertisement is when I go into my first untimed heat. Even as I swallow the little white pills which are supposed to calm the symptoms, the heat seems to burn me up and the pain and desire is too great for me to even formulate a coherent sentence. I feel something cold against my face but I am too far gone to even make out what it is. The pain does not matter as I pass out in a few seconds because of the mixture of tranquilizers and suppressants. That’s the maximum sleep I had in years. I wake up to the concerned faces of my mother and father. The doctor gets up from the seat near my head and my father extends his hand to him which makes me figure out that it must be one of father’s friends from the hospital since my father is too afraid to operate on his own son for personal reasons he never revealed. Later I learn that the sudden heat meant that the person who I saw was my potential alpha mate. For the entire month, I observe my omega mother around the house: my mother’s bite mark, the red scab marks stark against her pale skin, her platinum ring glinting on her finger, the soft touches she exchanges with father when they think I am not looking, their soft breaths and kisses when father leaves for the hospital and comes back. He smells like disinfectant and she smells like vanilla and yet the love they have for each other radiates from them. I sip on my orange juice and bite into my toast. I was eighteen going on nineteen.  
….  
“I met my mate.” I lie on my bed and watch Minghao glow with happiness. He was the only friend I had, both of us being omegas and outcasts of sorts. His father had shifted to Seoul from China due to work purposes and as such, Minghao had major communication problems. I could speak a smattering of chinese and could understand it since my mother was half chinese. As such, we became good friends since we met in the swings of the nearby park when we were ten. Minghao was not as jaded as I was maybe but he had his own share of violence when a rogue alpha on the street tried to harass him but a policeman rescued him before things got violent and bloody. I felt happy for Minghao, I really did but somehow I could not express it.  
“Did you mate?” I asked softly as Minghao played with my bony fingers. He blushed and shook his head shyly.  
“Then how do you know that he is your mate?” Minghao looked at me with his soft amber eyes. His soft face was framed with his curly brown locks and his eyes shone as he whispered, “I just knew. The minute I saw him across the shopping aisle, I just knew. He was wearing a mouth mask but his eyes were so beautiful. I felt my heart skip a beat and the heat spread through my body like a wonderful pain. And apparently Jun felt it too as he rushed over to me. Jeonghan, I tell you that it is the most magical feeling to be held by your mate. He too is from China and as he ushered me out into the car, despite my pheromones creating havoc, he resisted and dropped home. I just wanted to have sex, then and there, without any regard for propriety and yet he was the one who wanted to propose and get to know me better before marrying and consummating the relationship. I swear…”  
Minghao suddenly teared up and somehow I felt a weird pain in my chest. Was it jealousy to see my friend so ridiculously happy with his mate or pain at losing my only friend? I smiled softly as I patted his hand. “You are lucky.” He looked at me with teary eyes, the silence loaded with unsaid words. I wanted to say that I had found my mate too, only that he was as untouchable as the stars in the night sky. But my mouth refused to reveal my greatest secret and my greatest fear. We sat there in silence, comforting each other, until the call came for dinner. I was twenty.  
….  
“It seems your body is stabilizing. There has been fewer spikes in the pheromones, compared to your previous annual charts.” Dr. Hong looks up at me. I stare back immobile. The smile drops from his face as he looks towards my mother, “Ms. Yoon, the fact that his body is stabilizing means that he is on the path to recovery. This means that I can reduce the dosage of suppressants. The tranquilizers…”  
He stops speaking and looks at me weirdly. The machine beside me, monitoring my levels of pheromones suddenly starts beeping wildly and I feel a familiar heat spreading through my body.  
“NURSE LEE!” Dr. Hong shouts wildly as my mother desperately searches her bag for the given suppressants. The nurse rushes in and Dr. Hong quickly pulls on his face mask to prevent the pheromones from exciting his alpha senses. The needle is readied and my shirt is pushed up to reveal my bony hand, with blue veins snaking up the white length. As the pale yellow liquid is pushed into my bloodstream to bring my pheromones into order, I look up to the door, in a heat-induced daze and get the shock of my life. My mate stood there wearing a mask and gazing at me with absolute horror in his big, soft, brown eyes. My pheromones spike again at the sight of him and only a tranquilizer relieves me of the overwhelming pain, with welcome darkness.  
….  
I groggily open my eyes to a room, softly bathed in the dying light of the afternoon. My mouth had a foul taste in it and my skin was hot and dry. I was thirsty and I looked around to see myself taped to all kinds of machines, monitoring the various organs of my body. I lay there helpless but my voice refused to come out of my dry throat. Suddenly I heard the click of the door opening and the nurse came in.  
I somehow managed to use all my strength and groan out, “W..At….eR”  
She let out a yelp of surprise, making me smile involuntarily. She scurried over to my bed, “I am so sorry. Did you need anything?” I motioned to the glass kept on the bedside table and she understood immediately and helped me sit up and drink a glass of water. It was like a revival of sorts and I somehow imagined the blood in my body flowing again. As she turned around, I espied a conspicuous bite mark on her nape. The profession of nurses was one entirely meant for omegas so that they could handle the needs of fellow omega patients and yet I was surprised by that reddish purple mark. I watched her as she noted down my vitals diligently.  
“Does it hurt?”  
She startled physically at my question, “I am sorry?”  
“Does it hurt?” I motioned to the bite mark. I saw her cheeks colour. I was not surprised. She must have known what had happened after the scene I put on in the morning.  
“It does not hurt.” She said softly, cautious of my reaction. I sat looking at her in silence as she returned to doing her job. I then motioned to my heart, “Does it hurt?”  
She bit her lip as she shook her head. I felt my heart give a sharp throb and I asked desperately, “Should it hurt?”  
She opened her mouth to reply but she must have seen the desperateness in my eyes and voice. “I will call Dr. Hong.” was her reply before she left the room.  
….  
I sat in silence as Dr. Hong and my parents sat beside my bed. My mother looked like she had been crying for hours with her swollen eyes and red nose and cheeks. Her shiny black hair was in disarray and she sniffled softly. My father on the other hand had dark red bags under his eyes and his eyes were swollen and red. His white coat was clean as ever but his tie was a bit loose. I looked at the white bite marks on the back of my hand. I held myself responsible for their obvious misery. It was my accursed fate as an omega.  
“It was a clear and major heart attack. The pheromones spiked to such a level that the heart was not able to handle it and failed.” He looked at me, “Was that your mate?” he asked me clearly. I nodded, intent on scratching at a black dot on the white hospital sheets.  
“Did you know that he was an upcoming actor and model?” I nodded silently as my mother let out a loud sob. I looked up at her as she tried to stop herself by stuffing the lace handkerchief to her mouth. I was the cause of her misery.  
“Was he the reason of your first untimed heat too?” I again nodded as I watched my father try to console my mom as she heaved into his coat.  
Dr. Hong scratched down something on the paper and looked up at me. “Do you know his name?” This spikes my interest as I look to him. He extracts a piece of paper from the file he was holding and extends it to me, “These are his details which he wrote down for you since his presence is clearly harmful to your physical wellbeing. Apparently he had come here to visit one of his friends who fell down and fractured his ankle bone. He was just passing by your room when your senses detected him.”  
His writing is neat and easy to read.  
“Choi Seungcheol  
22 years.  
I am from Daegu and was born on August 8th. I live with my father and my older brother. My mother had passed away when I was nine years of age while my grandmother passed away last year. My brother is now in medical school and I am aspiring to be an actor and rapper. I love cooking and my favourite colours are red and white. I love the sea and I love to play video games.”  
The message ended abruptly and somehow it reflected the awkwardness of my so-called mate. I feel a slight throb in my heart. I look up to see Dr. Hong smile tightly at me.  
“I know you want to meet him and as we clearly saw, your body releases dangerous levels of pheromones when you are with him. I do not know how to predict this sudden spiking of pheromones but the only explanation is that since pheromones are a clear reflection of our feelings, it might be that your body after missing sexual contact for so long is eager to mate while your mind after the trauma that you have sufferred, subconsciously wants to reject any sexual contact of any kind even if it is with your mate. Thus this results in the body producing an excess of pheromones to attract potential mates and overpower your mental strength in order to fulfill the body’s need to produce children. This is a very rare condition, in fact even I am seeing it for the first time…”  
“Is there anyway out of it?” I look towards my mother who is collapsed on my dad’s side. She looks so frail and pale that my heart goes out to her. You are the cause of their misery. The voice is soft and yet it contains all the demons that have haunted me till date. I pull up the sheets to my neck. They smell vaguely of disinfectants. It is nostalgic of the times when I had been admitted to the hospital after the attacks on me. They are bitter memories. The voices of my parents and Dr. Hong blurs out as I concentrate on the scars on my hands from numerous tranquilizers and suppressant injections over the years. Will my mate want such a damaged person as his mate? Will Choi Seungcheol be able to give me the same happiness that I saw reflected in my parents’ and Minghao’s face when they were together with their destined mate? I picked at a stray tread which had unraveled on the white bedsheet. Was I not causing them more misery than happiness. I was such a worthless person. That night I watched the basin stain with the crimson blood dripping from the slash at my wrist. I was twenty-two.  
….  
Seungcheol stared at me desolately across the special glass partition, his eyes steadfastly ignoring my bandaged hands. This was Dr. Hong’s idea to ease myself into seeing my mate to cure my trauma of the alpha-omega dynamics as well as let my senses get accustomed to his presence. It was decided that Seungcheol would come in twice every weekand we would meet in a special room divided into two sections by a glass partition to prevent our pheromones from affecting each other much. I was a bit impressed that Seungcheol agreed despite his busy schedule. Necessary preparations had been made to prevents any kind of accidents (note: my heart attack). I had already been given a dose of suppressants to control the effects of heat if it occurred. His soft brown eyes held sadness more than horror and he extended his hand to the glass pane and placed his palm against it.  
“I wish I could touch you.” he whispered softly. It was like music to my ears and I felt tingles course throughout my body. How much did I want to say, ‘me too’… but my lips refused to move as my eyes hungrily drank in the fact about how handsome my mate was with his shock of black hair and his soft pink lips and beautiful eyes. Lashes like those should be banned on this side of the world. He must have seen me staring as he coloured a bit. “I am not too good at this. This is my first time. I am not like this. I am cooler at other times…” I could not help but smile at the ridiculousness of his words as well as his obvious embarrassment. He was trying so hard and he was adorable. I somehow wanted to hug him.  
“You smiled…it is beautiful.” He breathed out as he exposed his gummy smile. I coloured and a weird feeling came over me as my heart started to thump louder and my stomach did weird flips. It was the first time that my body behaved like this. It was not an unpleasant feeling but suddenly I wanted the partition to vanish. I wanted to hold him and have him kiss me. I wanted him to smile only for me and play with my hair. Everything I thought that I did not want, was suddenly desired by me and as I look at Seungcheol, I see that he is as affected as me. He was breathing heavily and his cheeks were a soft shade of pink and his pupils were dilated.  
“I…” his words were cut off as the nurses rushed into the room. I was releasing my pheromones and as they covered me with a blanket and ushered me out of the room, I look over to his section. His regretful smile is the last thing I see before the door closes after me.  
….  
My mother traces her fingers over the purplish scabs on my wrists as the nurse dresses them. Her face is tight with emotion but her eyes reflect regret. “Where did we go wrong Jeonghan?” Her voice wavers slightly at the end. I maintain my silence, not knowing how to answer that question. It was definitely not their fault that I turned out a basket case. Her soft sobs fill the room.  
“I did not want you to cry. I wanted to end the misery that I was giving you. I just do not want you to cry or suffer on account of me. I hate to see you cry and ever since I turned out like this, I have never seen you smile like you used to or even braid my hair like you used to. You are even afraid to touch me. I hate that. I hate that as a child, I give you more misery than happiness.”  
My mother’s breath caught in her throat as she listened to my explanation. As we sat in the silence of the hospital room, my mother sat speechless, breathing heavily in a desperate attempt too stop crying. Finally she let out a strangled sob, “My baby” As she clutched me to her bosom. She smelled of vanilla. She smelled of happiness.  
….  
Seungcheol extended his hand through the small hole in the glass partition. This hole signified our or rather my improvement. I touched the tips of his fingers gingerly and immediately pulled it back as soft pleasurable shivers coursed through my body. I blushed and hated that he could see my face turn every shade of red. But as I looked over, Seungcheol gave me a tight smile.  
“Is it painful?” I whispered as I tried to control my desire to grip that hand again just to feel those shivers rush through my body. He withdrew his hand and placed it against the glass.  
“It is indeed.” He breathed.  
….  
“Have you noticed any improvement Jeonghan?” Dr. Hong smiled as he compared my charts and test results. A rustle of sheets, as he put the sheets into order and then looked up at me. I remained silent so he quickly changed questions.  
“How is Seungcheol?”  
I looked at Dr. Hong wondering if I should reveal about the feelings Seungcheol awakened in me. But somehow, it felt like a precious secret. One month had passed and everytime I felt the distance between us growing smaller. As the scars on my wrists healed, I somehow felt happier and looked forward to each day knowing that I would meet Seungcheol again. His kind smile, his low and husky voice, his gummy smile, his gay laugh, everything was so dear to me. The gentle touch of his fingers as he played with my bony ones or the silences that we shared, just content to watch each other on the other side, felt so inadequate as we established that we indeed were the other’s true mate. The glass partition which was meant to protect us now seemed like a barrier.  
“Your tremors have stopped.” I started as I looked up at Dr. Hong. “You smile much more nowadays. Even the pheromones you emit have a sweeter smell reflecting your contentment rather than the previous smell which underneath the sweetness had the aura of fear. Have you noticed?”  
I had not. Was it the effect of Seungcheol? He was coming tomorrow and I could not wait. Everytime I thought about him, I felt so weird with my stomach flipping over and over and my heart thumping so loudy that I was scared that it would burst out of my chest. It was a new but pleasant feeling. Minghao had said that it meant I was falling in love. Was I?  
This was a new idea and somehow the idea was not repulsive. I wanted to experience it. I wanted to feel what my mother and Minghao felt. I wanted to be someone precious to Seungcheol. I wanted to be the one for him. Somehow the idea of mates did not repulse anymore.  
Dr. Hong did not say anything else and he scribbled something on the test sheets. But as he gave them to me, I saw the softness in his eyes, “I wish you happiness.”  
….  
“I love you.”  
I stared back dumbly as the three words processed in my head. Seungcheol looked scared and embarrassed but his eyes shone with determination. In that sterile, disinfected, white room, the words somehow promised a new beginning.  
“I adore you Jeonghan.” My name rolled off his tongue smoothly and it sounded so sweet. “I want to spend my life with you. I want to cherish you. I cannot stop thinking about you. Since the day I saw you, I could not help but want to be with you. It was as if I had been searching for something all my life, and I had found it at last. Even though you fainted in front of me, all I could think of was how jealous I was about those people who got to rescue you. My petty feelings would not stop even when I saw you weakened and pale through the glass and all I wanted was to make you mine by any means possible. Even now, as I say I love you, all I can think of is how you will belong to me if you say yes and I feel so happy at that thought like a sadist. I am so selfish, ain’t I?”  
I stared back at him. And somehow the words that roll off my tongue was unexpected even by me.  
“ I am not pure. I was raped.”  
The silence that follows was expected by me. But the word was not.  
“So?”  
I remember the soft warmth of his fingers as I lie on the hospital bed that night and dream of Seungcheol’s soft lips over mine.  
….  
The soft smell of vanilla and cinnamon greets me as I walk in through the door of my house. It is a welcome smell after the smell of disinfectants and medicines. I eat my mother’s chocolate cake for the first time in months and it is beautiful to see colours rather than the white bare walls of the hospital.  
I breathe in the soft smell of fabric softener as I pull over a hoodie and join my mother on the couch to watch the television. Seungcheol’s newest and most anticipated television drama was to air tonight and somehow, I could not wait to see him. He is as handsome as ever but somehow when he looks at the girl he falls in love with in the series, I could not help but feel my heart skip a beat. I felt betrayed to see him look with adoring eyes at someone who was not me. I had foolishly thought that the look was meant specially for me. I knew it was just a drama series and Seungcheol was just acting but that did not dim the throb in my heart.  
I have my first nightmare in months of Seungcheol leaving me and I wake up in cold sweat.  
….  
Seungcheol comes over on Saturday. Despite his busy schedule, he still made time for me and yet ungrateful wretch that I was, I did not feel happy enough, plagued by the stray thoughts of Seungcheol happy with some stray unknown girl. My silence at the table is noted and later, as Seungcheol and I sit on the balcony and watch the cars pass by, he asks softly, “Are you angry at me for something?”  
I bite my lips and stare at the smooth white scars on my wrist. My throat pained with the lump that was stuck at my throat. How could I tell him about these fears of mine when he had already sacrificed so much for me? I feel my eyes cloud over as I desperately try to not let them fall. I was too scared to even open my mouth for the fear of breaking down in an incoherent mess. He had seen enough of my weaknesses aready. I wanted to be strong for a change.  
“You are scared.” I hear a soft voice beside me. I am too scared to even look up to show my tear-filled eyes. “Are you scared of me?” his voice cracks in the end.  
I shake my head in a desperate attempt to clear the misunderstanding.  
“Then why are you emitting this smell of fear? Why are you not looking at me? What have I done wrong? Please tell me…” His voice is shaking and it is clear that he too is scared and frustrated. I close my eyes as my heart throbs and my head blanks out.  
He grips my shoulders tightly and I wince at the slight pain. “Jeonghan tell me please. I hate that you are not looking at me. TELL ME DAMN IT!”  
The sudden desperate shout from Seungcheol sees me burst out in tears. I desperately claw at him as my vision clouds and the words come gushing out of my mouth.  
“I was scared that you will leave me. I saw you kiss that girl on the tv and somehow I was scared. I am not good enough. You will leave me, I know. I am just a basket case, who cannot even keep himself from getting jealous just because you look at some girl who is not me. I am not pretty. I cannot even make tea without causing accidents. I hate that I am not normal. You are so perfect. How can you love me? I am not even worthy…” my voice catches as a horrible sob wrecks through my body.  
Seungcheol hugs me tightly as I cry into his embrace. He smells of patchouli but I can smeel his soft musky pheromones and I breathe him in deeply to calm myself. He rubs my back as his moist warm breath hits my right ear. I hiccup slightly and I feel my tears and snot get onto Seungcheol’s cotton shirt, making it wet. But somehow I was happy.  
“I love only you Jeonghan. Never doubt that.” He rubs his cheek softly against my hair as my breath hitches at his strong musky pheromones. “I want you so much now and you smell so heavenly and yet I want you to come to me. You are the only one for me Jeonghan. You are it. You are all I think about and all I want to think about. Even when I am acting, telling a girl I love her, all I can think about is my love for Jeonghan. In fact, everytime I see a pretty girl, I cannot help but think, my Jeonghan is prettier…” he runs his hand through my long hair, “I would rather kill myself than even leave you and if you leave me, I do not know what I would do…and I do not even want to think about it. I will destroy the persons who dare hurt you or even dare touch you. I would walk through fire for you Jeonghan and yet you doubt my love…” he lets out a soft sob onto my shoulder. I clutch at him desperately as he lets go and collapses against me. His warm weight is welcomed by me and as he lets out soft cries, I am overwhelmed by my feelings for him. He is as much vulnerable as I am and plagued with fears like me. I manage to say the words that had been stuck in my throat for so long.  
“I love you.”  
He becomes silent though he breathes heavily. He does not look up as he whispers, “That is not fair.”  
We sit in silence, listening to the cars down the road, comforting each other by our warmth. For the first time in my life, I feel safe, happy and content.  
….  
“This is such a pretty ring.” Minghao squeals as he turns my hand towards the light and the diamond catches the sunrays filtering into the room to sparkle brightly. Jun sits in a corner on a sofa and watches Minghao with an indulgent smile on his face. I cannot help but smile. This is my first time seeing Jun and I could not be happier for Minghao. He is a quiet young man, the perfect foil for the bubbly Minghao and was totally whipped for him. And they looked perfect together.  
I could not help but think of Seungcheol. He proposed to me last week as we sat in my room after a filling dinner prepared by my mother, just before he left for Tokyo for a press conference. His new movie was being praised by critics and audiences alike and he was the new hot thing on the entertainment scene. As such, he was a lot more busy than he used to be. But he still called every night and skyped whenever he had the chance.  
“Have you decided on a date you want to marry?” Minghao was giddy was happiness and I could see the enthusiasm reflected in his eyes. I nodded my head.  
“When the promotions for this movie finishes. He has a short break before he goes to Moscow to shoot his new film of a korean spy exiled in Russia….”  
“ Which no doubt is gonna be a hit too…” Minghao drawls before he again starts playing with my ring to catch the sunbeams. I smile at his childishness. I had missed him.  
It was not as if everything was rosy in our lives. Seungcheol and I still could not go out for dinner or on dates outside because of my traumatic experiences and also for the fear of causing accidents with an overdose of my pheromones, even though Dr. Hong assured us that my pheromones were stable now. I still had nightmares and Seungcheol hates that I still attract people with my looks during our regular trips to the hospital. And then the case of the elephant in the room: we still had not mated.  
Even though I had said that I was okay with mating, Seungcheol was adamant that we wait till our wedding. We even talked about babies but somehow they were in some distant future. Seungcheol could sometimes be as stubborn as a mule and even though a part of me was happy to suspend the matter, my ugly insecurities reared its head with all sorts of outlandish claims of Seungcheol having an affair to him not liking me anymore. To say the least,I had a mini meltdown of sorts and even after lots of assurances from Seungcheol, the bitter feeling of being refused remained. As such I had forwarded the marriage date and it was just a month till our marriage. Our families had met each other and somehow our parents were happier than ever with the match. Now all that was left was Seungcheol to be done with his promotions and be back as quick as possible.  
I looked at Minghao, “I want you to be my best man.” He stops playing with my fingers and looks up surprised. After a while a grin breaks out on his face.  
“I thought you’d never ask.”  
….  
The wedding was a quiet affair with my parents and Seungcheol’s family and Minghao and his family and Jun being the only people in the quiet church at Daegu. The priest was a wizened man who had been the priest of Seungcheol’s family for a long time and thus was the only person trusted enough to conduct the wedding proceedings. As Sengcheol slipped on the gold ring on my finger, the cold weight felt like a reassurance of his feelings and as his soft lips touched mine in a chaste kiss, I felt my whole body tingle with anticipation. I clutched my bouquet of wild flowers tightly to calm myself and not shiver violently, embarrassing myself.  
As we walked out of the church into the soft sunshine, I could not help but smile. At last I could claim that I was truly happy for the first time in my life in some hidden and ancient part of my heart, one which I had thought I had lost forever.  
That night as I felt Seungcheol’s body heat surround me and his soft kisses all over my face and body, the pain of the years vanished and as he entered me, the warm weight and the bittersweet pain welcomed by my own body, until we were in the throes of ultimate pleasure, made me realise that he was all that I had been searching for till now.  
….  
I stuffed my face with popcorn as I watched Seungcheol profess his undying love over a bridge in snowy Moscow. The heroine whose name I later learned was Nayeong was crying her eyes out and it was the climax scene before Seungcheol lost his life in the hands of the russian mafia. It was quite an engaging scene and I felt quite disturbed when a pair of hands wrapped themselves around my neck from behind.  
“I wish you would pay more attention to me than some fake on the television…” Hot breath moisted against my ear and I shivered with delight. I lifted my face for a kiss and Seungcheol gladly complied.  
He climbed the sofa and snuggled into my lap. Winter was beginning to give way to spring, but the cold had still not abated. We were the picture of domestic bliss as we watched gunshots ring out and Seungcheol lay dying on the cold floor of the warehouse. The soft violin music of flashbacks played on the screen and it was time for me to cry my heart out as the real Seungcheol handed me the tissues with a slight smirk on his face. He knew better than to comfort me at times like these but I knew he secretly loved it when I cried over his movies. He was the prince of drama and angst after all in the entertainment industry. And I was his number one fan.  
He had a press conference right after the wedding to reveal his marital status but somehow that increased his popularity rather than reducing it as everyone had expected. There were numerous conjectures about who his wife could be and for a while, I was stuck in the house. Not that I was complaining. The number of awards that Seungcheol got in the shows were rapidly going up and he was in the prime of his career. As we spent our days calmly in the penthouse that we bought in Gangnam a month into our marriage, I sometimes wondered if the fifteen year old me could have really imagined such happiness for himself.  
The end credits rolled on the black screen as a woman’s soft voice started singing about meeting again. I looked out of the huge glass windows to see the dark sky and the season’s last snow falling across the cityscape. Seungcheol’s soft snores reached my ears and I looked down to see his angelic sleeping face, glowing with youth and happiness. I smiled to myself as I rubbed a hand over my lower abdomen to reassure myself with the presence of a new life there. It was sudden and unplanned and as I threw up today morning after Seungcheol left, I did not want to imagine it to be true. But the two red bold lines on the two pregnancy tests were anything but. I expected my previous traumas to take over as I sat heaving by the bathtub and yet all that flooded my mind was Seungcheol’s overjoyed face and his dorky laugh of happiness. Somehow as I curled mysef into a ball and imagined that new life growing inside me, I only felt warm instincts of protecting it and saving it from the terrors that I had faced. I had no fear of giving birth to it and I smiled inwardly at my own progress. No more was I a snivelling ball of nerves but someone who was ready to protect and be a hero. I was twenty-six.  
….  
“A little more Jeonghan, I can see the head.” Dr. Hong smiled at me as I heaved and cried my way through the excruciating pains of birthing. I had fainted a few moments back and I thought I would die but Seungcheol’s tear-stained face as he howled beside me asking me not to die were even more comical and the nurses were fairly shocked at Seungcheol’s un-manly behaviour after their initial star-struck reactions. I could feel something stuck in my body and I could not wait to let it out. With a final scream which promised to leave me hoarse for the entire day, I gave a final push and felt it slip out of my body. I collapsed against the pillows, sweat and tears mingling as the cries of the baby and the new father produced a perfect cacophany in the room. I watched Dr. Hong smiling like a proud father while the assisting nurses looked embarrassed and bothered more than anything. I smiled to myself. It would be a noisy household if the baby turned out to be as loud as it were now and yet I could not help but feel a violent sentiment of love as I saw its small face scrunched up with blotches of red over its pale skin from the exertion of crying. A tuft of black hair curled at the top of his head. Seungcheol gingerly sat on the tool beside me trying to calm the baby’s lusty cries as he sniffled and wept.  
“I love you ok. I really love you…” he looked up at me with his swollen red eyes. “I love you…” he whispered as he handed the baby over to me.  
“I know.” I smiled as I lifted the baby up to my face for a kiss.  
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End file.
